I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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