I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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