atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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