she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize