remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
