My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I think my moral compass just broke
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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