the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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