Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
