I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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