my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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