So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
