we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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