I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
