I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
