do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
