i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
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