they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
