So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
