I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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