I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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