I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
