I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
