If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
