it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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