I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
