I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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