I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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