omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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