I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
