I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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