you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize