mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
