if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
