They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
