I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Randomize
