I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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