i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
