Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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