Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
It's never too late to be topless.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
