Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize