I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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