I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
