and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
