"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
