Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
