About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
