you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
