I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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