We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
