yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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