Only a mothe r could love this liver
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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