so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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