Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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