I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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