I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He? As in you personified your dick?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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