Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
