just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
