make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
