she sounds like chewbacca in bed
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
