If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
