Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize