Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
