the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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