I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
ttyl tear gas
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize