Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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