i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
