i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
