Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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