This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
