she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
